Sexcess: Shocking and Expensive (And Shockingly Expensive) Sex Toys

Posted by Chelsea Lockridge on 4/6/2012 to Silly

Excess.  We’re no strangers to it, in fact our society celebrates it.  Shows like MTV Cribs and all of the Real Gold Diggers of Wherever-the-Fuck flaunt the frivolous spoils of excessive wealth, (These glasses? Did you hear? $25,000) on a consistent basis. At Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas you can order a $5,000 hamburger, Hasbro Games designed a diamond and jewel encrusted $20,000 scrabble board, Swarovski makes a $4,000 coffee maker, and there is a Scandinavian beer, Carlsberg, that costs $400 a bottle.   Yes, when you have the money, there is no limit to the ridiculously unnecessary things you can blow it on.  Sex toys are no exception.  Here are just a few of the shockingly expensive gadgets that the 1% can obtain to spice up their sex lives.

The Unicorn Buttplug from Betony Vernon

Retail price : $3,475

As compared to

International Monetary Fund’s believed per capita income of Vietnam: $3,354

This whimsical, unicorn inspired anal plug is made from pure silver and has a luscious mane of real horse hair so that when you use this delightful gem you’ll… well, look like a horse, I guess.   The Betony Vernon website boasts that, “The works of Betony Vernon are inspired by human science and spirituality fused with lust for the finer things in life.”  So next time you’re jet setting to Dubai on a private plane and you’re feeling a little “horny” (haha, get it?”)  this twisted little gem might be just thing thing for you!

Custom Female Real Doll

Retail Price: $5,999

As compared to

                                                                      Average rent for a St. Louis,  MO apartment for a year- $6,000

Unquestionably the creepiest new trend in radically expensive ways to get off is the Japanese designed Custom Female Real Doll.  This is not your bachelor party gag blow up doll, folks. The Real doll is completely customizable from hair color and style, ethnicity, skin, even facial expression.  There is really no limit to what you can turn this doll into if you’re willing to pay for it.  $5,999 gets you the very basic version of this doll.  Want pubic hair? That’s an extra hundred bucks.  Bigger boobs? That’s gonna cost you around $850. For $150 you can add elf ears, and for a measly extra grand your doll can have both a functional penis and vajayjay.  Unfortunately, no matter how much you spend, this doll will never love you back.

The Jimmy Jane Block Party Kit

Retails Price: $3,999

As compared to

1 semester of in-state tuition at the University of Hawaii; $4,100

Confession: This is so cool it’s actually almost justifiable. Almost. It get’s a little creepy when you think about the fact that the “Block Party” motif is essentially suggesting you invite all your neighbors over for an orgy (I don’t know what neighborhood you live in, but on my block that is NOT sexy), but still, I cannot deny that the idea of sex in a bouncy house is appealing.  Actually just the idea of owning your own bouncy house, free from children and all their snot and pee and nastiness, is extremely appealing.  This $4,000 kit comes with all four pieces from Jimmy Jane’s innovative Form collection, who’s own individual prices are a tad bit steeper than your run-of-the-mill vibrator, an inflatable pink and black moon bounce, and a hand full of condoms for good measure.

Inez by LELO

Retail Price: $13,500

As compared to

A brand new 2012 Kia Rio- $13,400

The Inez is a powerful five speed vibrator with a near silent motor and a rechargeable Li-Ion battery.  It has an innovative  interface dial for easy control and comes in a gorgeously crafted wooden box. Hmm, what else what else… Ah!. Almost forgot this little detail: It’s plated in 100% 24 karat gold. If for some reason $13,500 is a little bit out of your allotted sex toy allowance for this month, the same model is also available in stainless steel for a much more attainable $7,900. I , personally, would love a list of everyone who owns this along with their personal e-mails and home addresses to either spam them mercilessly with pictures of starving people in Sub-Saharan Africa, or to relentlessly pursue their friendship. I mean if this is what they use to masturbate, they probably give away condos for Christmas.


David Beckham’s Gift to Posh Spice- $1.8 Million 

As compared to

What the average American with a high school diploma can expect to make in their lifetime- $1.2 Million

 Designed by a London Strip Club owner, this vibrator is made out of platinum with a 10 karat diamond base and is attached to a 16 karat diamond necklace.  There are only 10 in the world and it’s rumored that Mick Jagger also bought one for his girlfriend. 1.8 Million dollars. She probably doesn’t even have to turn it on. I’m pretty sure that if I was so disgustingly rich I could spend 1.8 million dollars on a vibrator, that knowledge alone would be enough to get me off.

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